Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
