dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
