So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
