I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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