You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
