he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
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