you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
