Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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