M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
