I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
