Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
