Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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