I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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