Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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