Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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