I faked an abortion last night.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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