She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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