Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
