I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
