I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
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Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
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You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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