Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
