Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
