Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
