Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
