You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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