how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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