you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
