Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
