After last night, I could never be a politician.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
