why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
