You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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