Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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