I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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