to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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