So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
