That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
