He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
