are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
