She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
