He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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