I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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