Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Randomize
