Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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