I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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