I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
