I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Randomize
