we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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