I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
