me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
