So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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