I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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