It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
i drank out of a bidet.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
