I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
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Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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