lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
