no, he came in my armpit
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
