i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
