There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
